apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
