she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
