So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
