Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
