Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
