This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't turn off my feet"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
