Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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