just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
