Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
