my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Boobs are out for the taking
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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