I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
