I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
