Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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