were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
