If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
