Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I am one with the molecules
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
