I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
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I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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