Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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