the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Of course I have a pirate flag
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
