just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
God I need to hump something, right now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
