why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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