We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
