i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Church boner. Awkwardddd
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
