You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
