im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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