I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
