Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
