The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
