I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
