you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sorry about my life...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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