All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
