Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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