I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
