Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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