never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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