Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
