I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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