so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
