I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
