arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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