so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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