My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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