dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Semen is not good for contacts.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
