She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
