I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Randomize
