took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
