There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
