Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
