12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
