Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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