When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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