My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
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i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
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Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize