your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She needs sedatives and a leash
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
