I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
