She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
