i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
