i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
