I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
