How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
