Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wish there were birth control emojis
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
