I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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