Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize